Amy’s Thoughts

You know, I truly thought that entering the Amazon contest would mark the end of my obsession, at least for a while.  I’ve been in edit mode for entirely too many months, and it’s frankly time to be done with this novel and to move on to its sequel.  Unfortunately, I didn’t read the fine print closely enough.

I want to know who thought it would be a good idea to make the submission window for the contest last TWO WEEKS and then allow those who have already MADE their submissions to edit, change, and otherwise revise/perfect those same submissions right up until the moment the submission period is closed.  Don’t they understand that this means I get to obsess over EVERY SINGLE WORD of my submission for a full TWO WEEKS?  Just accept my submission and be done with it!  Don’t put me through this crazed insanity of “maybe I should have said this instead” or “maybe I should re-read the entire 218 page novel again, just to make sure there aren’t any typos or glitches or obvious flaws in the plot” or even better “maybe I should re-write the first 70 pages of the novel because it’s just not as exciting as the last 150… after all, who cares about character development?”

ARGH!  I truly believe this contest was designed to send hopeful would-be authors into early retirement.  It’s clearly a ploy to weed out the crazies who would otherwise be bombarding overworked literary agents with the “greatest thing they ever wrote”.   Now these agents have a few months of freedom while the crazies bombard the contest instead.  Of course, even better for the agents is when the process of submit, obsess, edit, obsess, edit, obsess, wait, obsess, wait, wait, wait, obsess, wait, obsess, obsess, obsess, wait … drives those same hopeful crazies into a downward spiral of drunken foolishness, and their literary (pseudo-) genius is lost forever.  One less query letter to read, one less manuscript to file in the recycling bin.

Save me from my (blue arrow like) swirling thoughts of craziness!

11:17 p.m.  So busy working on my lesson plans (STILL), missed 11:01 by 16 minutes.  That’s okay, I still have time!

11:26 p.m.  ARGH!  Lots of difficulty getting the webpage to load correctly!  Finally am getting somewhere… now waiting for my DESCRIPTION (not the pitch, but the DESCRIPTION) to load.  Description isn’t even anything to be seen by judges, but necessary for if / when the novel’s excerpt is available for review by Amazon public.

11:27 p.m. ARGH!  It’s still working to load the description.  Is this normal?  What if it’s stuck in a loop and never stops pretending to load????  It’s only 212 words, people!  HELP!

whimper…

11:29 p.m. I can’t move on.  I’m stuck waiting for Part I to save, so that I can move on to Part II, which is still NOT the uploading of all my materials, but is my contact information.  Can’t go to part II until part I gets loaded.  ARGH!!!  Oh my god, the anxiety I am experiencing canNOT be good for my health!

11:31 p.m. I’m starting to get really paranoid.  What if in those 16 minutes I was busy lesson planning, 5,000 other people were uploading their manuscripts?  WHAT IF I’VE MISSED MY CHANCE??????  AAAAAHHHHH!

11:33 p.m. Ummm…. really?  This many minutes to save 212 words?  Something’s wrong.  My carefully worded description has hacked the entire Amazon Breakthrough Novel system and I’ve ruined this process for myself AND 4,999 other crazed hopefuls.  Oh save me!

11:35 p.m.  What on EARTH am I going to do when it’s trying to upload my MANUSCRIPT?  I think I might die of the anxiety before I even reach the pitch stage.  This is ABSURD.  I’ve lost all sense of reality.  I’m stuck in some alternate universe where the entirety of my life, liberty and pursuit of happiness hinges on the acceptance of the DESCRIPTION of my novel! 

11:36 p.m.  Seriously.  How do I know if it’s not working?  I mean the silly blue arrow keeps on a-swirlin’, but nothin’s happening!

11:39 p.m.  Hey, great news!  I found the spot where all the other 4,999 crazed hopefuls are hanging out and some of them have been staring at a blue swirlin’ arrow for 30 minutes!  So, hey, 13 minutes, not so bad… of course, that means I have at least another 17 to go and this is only part I of IV.  ARGH!!!!

11:43 p.m. Bored now… just think of all the lesson planning I could be doing… if only I weren’t riveted to this little blue arrow.

11:48 p.m. Still in blue arrow manic depressive mode… I bet you’re bored now too, aren’t you?  Pretty soon I’m going to have to put in the Buffy musical episode, just so that I can sing my way through this farce.

 11:57 p.m. I’m officially panicked.  Half the crazed people are all “I’m in — goodnight and good luck” and the other half of the crazed people are all “blue arrow - blue arrow - blue arrow - blue arrow - blue arrow - blue arrow”.  Wanna guess which category I’m in???  And all those people who are “in” — ARGH!  They’re part of that 5,000!!!  What if 4,999 other people say they’re “in” and just when I’m about to say “I’m in!” some other crazed blue arrow person hijacks my in-slide and steals my slot???

12:07 a.m. OMG.  One of the crazies suggested hitting refresh, which I did… with great fear I might add, as I was certain it was going to do EXACTLY what it did… all my info, gone, in a flash.  I sighed and began again.

12:08 a.m.  Accidentally hit backspace key, backspaced away from page.  ARGH!!!  Loaded page again, entered part I’s info again, hit save and…

 12:09 a.m. Blue swirly arrow appears for two seconds, then WHAM!  On to part II.  Thank you, thank you, thank you to the refresh god.

12:10 a.m. Entered contact info, saved, hallelujah, on to Part III!

12:11 a.m.  Uploaded pitch successfully… everything hinges on the pitch.

 12:12 a.m.  Pasted excerpt successfully… re-read, looks good… everything hinges on the excerpt.

12:13 a.m.  Attached manuscript successfully… everything TRULY hinges on the manuscript.

12:14 a.m.  Uploading excerpt…. SUCCESS!

12:15 a.m. Uploading manuscript…

12:16 a.m. SUCCESS!

12:17 a.m. Accepted contest rules and regulations.  Hit submit entry and… SUCCESS!

12:17 a.m. Received official email from createspace.com welcoming me as one of the 5,000 manic writers. 

 12:29 a.m. In case you’re wondering what happened between 12:17 and 12:29 a.m., it went something like this:

                                 Gasp!  “I’m in.”  Shocked staring ensues.  Twelve minutes later…

 12:29 a.m. cont. Cats wake me from a self-induced state of shock.  Time for bed where I will undoubtedly agonize over my submission and wish that I had changed this word or that…. I live in fear of February 25th.

Well, this rant became exceptionally long on Facebook, taking several spiraling comments to complete my thoughts, so I decided this might be a better forum for it

Am I the only one who gets annoys at Borders yearly book drive that is supposedly charitable in content, but is deceptively self-serving? They encourage customers to buy kids books that they then donate to a literacy organization Borders has chosen.… As a teacher, I am ALL FOR THIS. However, as far as I can tell, Borders donates no proceeds to these organizations, nor offers a matching gift either.

In fact, one year I tried to bring in brand new books that I am able to purchase through my school for AWESOME prices and they refused to take them (not purchased at Border’s you know). I’m sorry, but Borders is making a significant profit on these sales and sure, it’s great that they’re willing to help these charities (and I applaud the … Read Moregenerosity of EVERYONE willing to purchase a book and donate it), but is it too much to ask for Borders to match the donations? Their employees have told me that “sometimes” they match donations, but EVERY time they have a drive, I call a local Borders and ask the same questions — do you do a matching donation, do you donate a percentage of proceeds… and every time, the answer is NO. The only thing Borders does is organize the drive and ship the books off to whatever charity they are currently sponsoring. Big of them. But I say, when you’re a corporation of the magnitidue of Borders, it’s NOT ENOUGH.

Don’t get me wrong. I think these book drives are a GREAT thing and they certainly help many wonderful charities and brighten children’s lives, BUT…why does Border’s expect its customers to donate more than it is willing to? Think about it! With this one purchase, you are giving your hard-earned money to Borders and a children’s book to a worthy… Read More organization. Wouldn’t it be better to just write a check directly to that organization? Why are we so gullible? Because, quite frankly, the American public has a capacity for generosity that is unparalleled the world over. Thank GOD our greedy corporations are not representative of our own individual natures. As for me, I think I’ll just continue to hand deliver my donations and to donate my time to worthy causes. And, of course, when I do choose to spend my $ within Border’s hallowed walls, rest assured that I will not be deluding myself. I will be quite content in the knowledge that I am participating in mainstream corporate America.

I’m afraid I’m an obsessive workaholic. I’m addicted to my job. It comes from doing a job I love and having no kids or a husband (thank god) at home to berate me for working late. Instead, the animals only stare silently as I wander through the door at half past eight on a school night. And where have you been, they ask me with their silent stares. I simply shake my head and dangle parsley before their twitching noses and all is forgiven. Or in the cats’ case, I simply scratch behind their ears and allow them to perch upon my head at night, purring into my ear. How simple and profound is the love of our pets…

And what on earth could you possibly find at the school to keep you busy until 8:30 at night, you might wonder. Well… you must first keep in mind that I, unlike legions of my fellow colleagues, refuse to carry work back and forth between the school and my home. I discovered early on that bringing work home would only ensure that most of it would not be completed by the following school day, which would result in many frantic, stress-filled hours that might have been avoided had I only stayed to complete my work the day before. Better instead to get it all done at school and then enjoy what free time I have left. I am quite simply much more productive in the school environment where I do not have access to my laptop writings, my fully stocked fridge, my favorite detective books through the ages (from Trixie Belden to Stephanie Plum to Eve Dallas), my Harry Potter collections in French, Spanish, Portuguese and Latin (in case I want to learn another language) or my extensive Buffy the Vampire Slayer seasons 1-7 DVD collection. You can see how distracting my house might be under these circumstances. Who wouldn’t want to watch the musical episode of Buffy for the 765th time rather than plan a lesson about polar bears for 2nd graders? Obviously, staying at the school is the best option for all concerned. Certainly, I’ve missed out on many wonderful opportunities to enrich my mind by singing along to Walk Through the Fire (”I touch the fire and it freezes me…”) but these are the sacrifices we make as teachers…

We turn our backs on the fire and we gather our courage and we continue to plan or grade or organize or whatever it is we do to make our days run smoothly in the classroom. And in our hearts, in those tiny moments when we realize this was a job well-done, we whisper our apologies to Joss Whedon and we promise to catch up on our Buffy watching during our summer hiatus when we will be experiencing the full onset of Buffy withdrawal… and of course, we will start and end with the greatest episode of all time… Once More With Feeling.

“Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses
And what’s with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies, bunnies
It must be bunnies”

(reprinted completely without permission, which is really shocking because teachers never break copyright laws, these quoted words are attributed here to Joss Whedon’s genius, may he bring us another amazing show to worship… soon!)

Here’s the thing about teaching. If you don’t succumb to the madness, you might actually discover that teaching is one of those jobs that never gets old, never becomes the same day in and day out, never fails to challenge you and never fails to exhaust you to the very depths of your being.

Of course, if you do succumb to the madness, you will probably also discover that teaching is one of those jobs that never gets old blah-blah-blah.

But there’s no difference between the two, you exclaim. Oh, but there is, I say, it’s a miniscule, tiny, nuance that is easy to overlook, but it’s there all the same. Ultimately, if you do not succumb to the madness, I daresay, one day in the not so distant future, you will find yourself racing around the building like a madman, tearing your hair out by its roots and shrieking in acronyms “The MAP, no the DIBELS, no the DRA, on the PR form, the PR form, why don’t you understand what I’m saying???” On the other hand, if you do succumb to the madness, while you will undoubtedly still be shrieking and bald, you will probably also enjoy the journey into insanity a whole lot more.

So, my friends, welcome to the madhouse. Here’s hoping you succumb and embrace the madness within!