Amy’s Thoughts

A fourth grade teacher shared some of the issues she’s been dealing with lately in her classroom.  There seems to be a racial war that begins in elementary schools long before people even recognize that racial tension exists among children.  There is in the primary grades a sense of them and us:  those who speak Spanish and those who don’t, those who have color and those who don’t, those who have parents and those who don’t, those who have a home and those who don’t.

Some of these issues are the planting of the seed that ultimately develops into a deeply-felt sense of racism and prejudice and injustice.  And there is a cultural war going on as well.  In order to truly understand the conflicts that are occurring, you have to understand the root cultures at play. 

At the younger grades, the weapon of choice among the Hispanic population is the use of words, particularly as they acclimate to the school culture of the United States.  These are the children who have been acclimating to a foreign culture for years.  These are the ones who are learning to play the game, who are learning how to find the words in English, how to follow the rules, how to just make it by.  I love these students.  They are fighting against a system that is prejudiced against them from the beginning, that tells them their language has no value, their culture has no value, their citizenship is in jeopardy and their future in this country is in doubt.  These are the students who fight for everything we would deny them as a culture and as a race.  They stand up and they find their way despite the many obstacles we present them, including an education that would deny them their identity.

Then there are my African-American students who fight so desperately for anyone to even notice their existence.  I adore these students too.  They are the ones fighting against a system that has been built to keep them down since the days of slavery.  These are the students who will fight that system for the rest of their lives, trying desperately to gain those things the rest of us take for granted, by virtue of our whiteness.  These are the students many claim are destined for prison or death:  born in the inner city, stricken by poverty, held under the thumb of a system that provides a lower-quality education (by virtue of inadequate funding and inequitable resources) and a systematic prejudice that will not be defeated through any of our best efforts.  These are the students who come to school day by day with heartbreak in their eyes, hope in their trembling smiles, and defeat in the slump of their shoulders.  Already.  At age 7. 

Then there are my white students who tremble in our school doorways, timidly approaching their education with fear in their hearts.  And yes, I adore these children too.  They are the ones completely forgotten and ignored by society.  Society does not acknowledge the white child attempting to make it in the inner city schools.  They do not exist.  They cannot exist because they have been given something the others just don’t have — white skin.  That they too suffer under the umbrella of poverty is of no consequence.  Why do they not live up to the promise of their skin?  Because they too have been abandoned, the unfortunate casualties of the war waged against the weak. 

 And so society turns its back on the children of its inner cities and leaves their future to the will of the beast.  And the beast is poverty.

There was a fight on the playground among the 4th graders.  A Hispanic child called a black child a nigger.  The black child laid out the Hispanic child with one punch.  Who do you think was suspended?  Who do you think got off with a lecture and nothing more?  The black child was suspended for fighting.  The Hispanic child received no true consequences from the office.  Which of those children is in more danger today of not surviving their upbringing?  The Hispanic child who has not been taught the consequences of shouting a racial slur on the playground or the black child who defended his entire race against that slur?

These two children’s teacher had a sit-down session with her entire class and discussed with them the unacceptability of using such racial slurs against anyone. 

 One student raised his hand and said, “yeah, but I don’t like it when they call me African-American either.”

His teacher asked, “Well, what do you want people to call you?”

“I just want them to call me a boy,” the ten-year-old replied. 

 How utterly and singularly profound.  “Just call me a boy.”

Went skating this evening for the second time in my adulthood.  I think that brings me to perhaps a total of 5 times in my lifetime.  Needless to say, I am not very good at this whole skating thing.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that my sense of balance is never very good, even when not attempting to travel with wheels attached to my shoes.  Who came up with this bizarre pasttime anyway?

The truth is I had a great time.  Of course, I went skating with my nieces, which pretty much assured me of having a good time.  I adore them both and take great delight in spending time with them.  I should be grateful that neither of my nieces are experts in the skating rink either, and therefore do not leave me in their dust like many of the other munchkins on the rink’s floor.

T.S. in particular likes for me to skate with her.  So, over and over, we maneuvered our way around the rink, with the wall as our prop and savior.  A.J. had a bear in her arms for half the night, after receiving it from an older child who won it in a raffle and wished to pass it on.  Therefore she skated with one arm waving for balance and the other arm clutching that bear, as if the bear was her prop.  If I had had a stuffed bear at the skating rink, I think I would have wanted it strapped to my ass for additional padding (not that there’s not plenty of padding already there), but that’s just me.

At some point during the evening, I had to go to the restroom, so I left the two girls skating together (A.J. made a face at my command, but then appeared to have fun with her sister despite her reluctance — isn’t that the way of siblings everywhere?) and headed for the facilities.  I now believe that Skate City’s bathrooms were designed by some kind of torture enthusiast.  Upon entering the women’s restroom, I was appalled to realize there were no pads on the floor.  Of course, this realization came a little too late as I flew in the doorway, leaving the carpeted hallway behind and hurtling at breakneck speed across the tile floor toward a stall door.  All I could think is “god I hope no one’s in that stall, because I’m going to land in her lap!”

Luckily the stall was empty.  I slammed into the door and managed to catch myself on the top of the door, which was so short that I gave myself whiplash as my head bounced forward over the top of the stall door and back.  I think those stall doors were designed for midgets.  Did they not consider the fact that adults might also be idiot enough to don roller skates and come flying through their restroom doors?

After entering the stall, I was appalled to realize that the toilet was only about a foot off the ground.  On roller skates, I somehow managed to lower myself four feet where I took care of business with my knees in my face (when my feet weren’t flying out from under me of course).  The worst part was trying to extricate myself and stand back up.  It required a sense of balance (see above), inhuman strength (not one of my assets) and wheelchair bars (which were not in evidence at all).  With my feet scrambling for purchase, I used the bottom of the stall to haul myself forward and up.  Thank god the restroom was empty and no one heard my growls and curses as I attempted to lift my carcass from that damn toilet. 

Note to self:  NEVER ATTEMPT TO USE THE RESTROOM WHILE ON ROLLER SKATES AGAIN.

Truthfully, despite the crazy bathrooms, we had a great time, A.J., T.S. and I.  I am looking forward to the time with my nephew C.S. is in kindergarten and can join us on these school-sponsored events.  Yep, lots of fun flying into the walls with less-adventurous parents looking on.  

When I asked T.S. whether her parents skated with her when they brought her to these things, she said no.  I asked why I had to skate then and she said, “because you’re a nice aunt.”  I guess I cannot ask for a better reason than that.  The things we do for love.

Today, for the first time this school year, I had the opportunity to play with my students.  Yes, that’s right.  I actually stopped teaching and we just had fun.  It was even sanctioned fun, so I couldn’t get in trouble for it!

 The thing is, we’re an inner-city school, and more than that, we’re a Reading First inner-city school, which means that we got a big grant that requires a lot of hoop-jumping in an attempt to meet the combined requirements of the grant, the government and our school district.  The result this year has been an overscheduled nightmare of a day. 

I can honestly say that the only time I see every single one of the 23 students who were assigned to my classroom is during the first 15 minutes of every school day.  From that moment on, small numbers of my students are being pulled from my classroom for reading interventions.  

Despite their absence, I am expected to somehow manage to teach every child in my classroom the skills they need to arrive at grade-level outcomes by the end of the school year.  In order to accomplish this, every single moment spent in my classroom is accounted for.  There are no spare moments anywhere for frivolous activities that are not in some fashion attached to the achievement of a specific benchmark skill.

Remember those long-ago school days when a student came to school with cupcakes because it was their birthday?  Remember the building excitement as long-anticipated holiday celebrations approached?  Remember wearing costumes on Halloween? 

Maybe celebrations still happen in more affluent neighborhoods.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that any children planning to bring a special birthday treat to my classroom had better plan on passing it out exactly one minute before the bells rings signaling the end of the day, because that’s the only minute I can give them. 

We have standards to meet, people, benchmarks to teach, and children who must not be left behind. 

YOUR CHILD’S CUPCAKE COULD RESULT IN AN ENTIRE GENERATION’S FAILURE TO LEARN TO READ!!!! 

Oh yeah, and remember those days when we had a morning recess and an afternoon recess?  My god, we had no idea how lucky we were.  TWO recesses in ONE day?  UNHEARD OF! 

In my world, students get 15 minutes to eat, during which time, they are encouraged NOT to talk.  They then get their one recess of the day.  It’s an awesome opportunity for them to relax and talk and run and play (unless it’s bad weather of course, then they have to sit still and watch a cartoon in a tiny resource room, but let’s not talk about that).

Anyway, they get this recess every single day (aren’t they lucky) and it’s lasts an ENTIRE fifteen minutes.  (In case you’re wondering, they really are lucky because last year they only got ten minutes.) 

During these fifteen minutes, my students get their only real opportunity to play, to relax, to take a desperately needed brain break.  I should add they do get “special” time each day — 50 minutes of art, library, music, P.E. or technology.  I suppose these times might be considered a break, but I have serious doubts, given there are benchmarks to meet in each of these areas as well.

In any case, I was asked to cover recess duty today, and as a result, had the opportunity to play and interact with my students in a completely stress-free and relaxing fashion for the first time since school began back in August. 

As I watched the children running and playing and laughing, I had to wonder:  by the time these first and second graders reach middle school, will they even remember how to do any of this, how to play, how to kick balls, how to chase and play tag and jump rope and laugh with abandon? 

Or instead, by that time, will we have smothered the laughter right out of them in our crazed obsession with benchmarks and indicators?  Will we have leeched their joy away in our reckless zeal to achieve the desired outcomes within an acceptable time frame, no matter the child’s background, learning style or life circumstances that brought him or her to our classroom’s doorstep?

While trapped within an endless in-service meeting (we get two and a half hours a week to meet and be bored to death), I wrote these rambling observations:

I sit here and wander my eyes:

Bored.  OREOS.  munching.  headaches.  writing.  no smiles.  blah-blah-blah-blah.  more OREOS.

Norms.  rolling eyes. restless bodies.  bored faces.  unspoken words screaming through the room.  no eye contact.  OREOS, OREOS, OREOS, OREOS.

Eyes down.  glares focused.  table.  paper.  exploding heads.  expectations boiling through the room.  unrealistic.  demanding.  lost in the mire of NCLB. 

I once wrote an essay I called “The Nameless”.  I wrote this essay as a senior attending The American University in Washington, D.C.  It was my answer to what I saw as a loss of my own humanity when facing the homeless on a daily basis. 

In my essay, I wrote about some children I had seen on the streets panhandling with their mother in Washington, D.C.  I also wrote about a child I saw in Lisbon, Portugal, who was also homeless.  In my mind at the time, homelessness was a characteristic owned by adults.  These children I had seen were certainly extremely rare, particularly within the United States.

Today I know this is only a fantasy, one shared by most of the complacent population.  In fact, the fastest growing segment of homeless individuals in the United States today is that of families with children.  Approximately 1.3 million children are homeless today, and of those, approximately 500,000 are under the age of 5.   How is this possible?  How could we not know of such a severe problem?

Because we are lulled into believing that those who are homeless are the men and woman we see wandering the streets without a home.  We console ourselves with the thought that they are adults, in charge of their own fate and future.  If they wanted a home, surely they could manage it, we tell ourselves.  Most of them are probably alcoholics and drug addicts, we whisper in our mind, without ever admitting the darkness of our thoughts.

Is someone only considered homeless in our eyes when they are visibly living on the streets?  What of the millions in temporary shelters, sleeping on a neighbor’s or family member’s couch, rotating from home to home every few days to keep from becoming a burden to those they rely upon for a temporary roof over their head? 

Imagine being a child and having so little stability that every night you are sleeping in a new bed, in a new home.  Imagine that every night, you are not certain whether there will be dinner at the table of whatever home you will be staying in that evening.  And imagine attempting to attend school with that chaos in your home life.  Imagine trying to meet the expectations of your teachers, your principals, your school district, your government that now looks over every school’s shoulder demanding that no child ever fall behind.  Would you survive the stress?  Would you make it from year to year, all the way to graduation?  Or would you become a part of the ongoing problem that is today’s dropout rate? 

This issue is extremely important to me, as I have been working with the homeless children in my school district for the past year.  On Tuesday and Thursday evenings, from 5:00 to 7:30, we meet at a local elementary school and do all that we can to provide a small amount of stability in the most unstable of lives.  Our main focus is to provide academic support in the hopes that these children will stay in school, that they will be among the few who actually make it to graduation day.

Each and every one of the children I have met through this program breaks my heart; from the victims of domestic abuse to the African refugees who have memories of escaping into the brush to avoid guerilla warfare; from the victims of severe poverty to those of circumstance like fire or loss of a job.

These are the heroes in my world:  these children who somehow manage to bring me hope and joy, merely through their presence in my life and the demonstration of their will to survive.